Harry Potter and the Muffin of Fire
by TheMonkeyStoleTheWallet
Summary: In this parody Harry returns for his 4th year at Hogwarts with a shocking event taking place, House-elves and tight spandex.
1. The NonHarry Chapter

A/N: It is finally here, the sequel to Return of the Fic, "Harry Potter and the Muffin of Fire". So you might be asking yourself, why is this named after some bread? Well, there is a very complex answer to that. It was either this or the "Jug of Fire" and this has so much more zing! Sitting in my kitchen eating a muffin and thinking of the next fic title, it just seemed right.

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters are J.K.Rowling's

**Harry Potter and the Muffin of Fire**

If someone were to come across the Riddle House one dark and stormy night, one might find the Dark Lord himself, the most evil wizard of all time, doing his most evil tasks that one can ever think of.

"That is absolutely the last time I go to a Death Eater Meeting in wrinkled attire," said Voldermort as he ironed his clothes. He was wearing his favorite bathrobe, the one with the dancing teddy bears.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked, looking around the room suspiciously.

For you see, unlike the other Harry Potter books, the first chapters and lines always went to Harry and never to some evil overlord. It wasn't in the job description.

"I get an opening chapter? Finally!" he shouted as he ran to his make-up counter and applied more white powder to his face. Wormtail burst into the room, but tripped on the carpet.

"Master what's going on?" he asked.

"Didn't you hear man?! We got dibs on opening lines!"

"Sweet!" Wormtail squeed like a little girl. "Should we two-way Lucius?" he asked as he took out his cell phone.

"Hell's yea"

After much squeeing from both Wormtail and Lucius, Voldermort ran into the sitting room, putting on his robes and his red contact lenses.

"How do I look?" he asked his faithful lackey.

"Creepy as hell."

"Good, Good"

They sat in silence for a moment.

"So....what happens now?" he asked Voldermort.

"Well we could get drunk and break things to head-banging music" shrugged Wormtail.

"Nah, we did that yesterday"

"Well we could discuss your super secret plan in front of the prying ears of Jim the Janitor" said Wormtail as he walked over to a door and Jim fell out.

"I like it!" said You-Know-Who.

"We'll call you back in five minutes" said Wormtail to Jim.

Jim nodded and left.

"Alright here is the plan." said Voldermort as he pulled down a chart. "We go to Mad-Eye-Moody's House and put him in a jar. Then we get some dude to impersonate him all year at Hogwarts, and get Potter into the Tri-Wizard tournament that has been conveniently scheduled this year to be at his school. The dude helps him win every event, win the cup and transport him to me," he finished as he rubbed his hands together. "It's fool-proof!"

"Master, don't you remember your last fool-proof plan?

_14 years ago..._

Voldermort and Wormtail were standing outside the Potter Residence.

"Alright, I'll be out in five minutes" he said.

"Master are you sure this is going to work?" said Wormtail who back then was sporting a long mane of black hair.

"What could possibly go wrong?"

_5 minutes later..._

"Don't say word!" roared the creepy blob that used to be Voldermort. Wormtail sighed and scooped the used to be evil wizard up and threw him in a garbage bag. He walked away whistling a merry tune to himself as he heard incoherent mumbling from the bag.

_End off creepy blob flashback...._

"Ah memories," he said as he dabbed his scarlet eyes with a tissue.

"That sounds like a lot of work. Couldn't I just sneak up behind Potter and hit him with a book or something?"

"Yes, but the fans are expecting an awesome, mind-blowing four hour movie. Besides, what director would make a movie about a book?"

_Somewhere else...._

"Okay, anddddd action!" yelled some director that nobody knew about.

A prop guy dropped a book down a flight of stairs. The stunt man dove after but knocked himself unconscious. There was silence.

"That was just....BRILLIANT! Academy Awards here I come!" yelled the director guy.

_Back at the Riddle House...._

"Besides I need someone to portray my evil genius that is me and my aspiration for world domination."

Somewhere in a small club house the members of "Aspiring actors to play evil bad guys bent on world domination" cheered knowing that one of them would play Voldermort.

"Hello? I have a dentist appointment at three so I really need to say my lines now" said Jim the janitor as he entered the room.

"Ah yes. Bippity Boppity Boop!"

"Thank you" and with that Jim died.

"Master, I just thought of something else"

"What?" he said thought gritted teeth.

"By all accounts, you don't get your body back until the end of book 4; you should be a blob right now. This doesn't make sense"

He was right. The Dark Lord could only do one thing to justify this great...injustice.

He threw Wormtail down the stairs.

Being an evil overlord wasn't easy.

------------------------------------------

First chapter! I know it was a bit short but this came to me spur the moment spontaneous thing. Now that you have read, there is one thing to do...Review!


	2. Floaty Crowny Things

A/N: I wrote this chapter in one of my notebooks after a History exam I took, so some of this stuff is just odd and out of place. But that makes it all thoughmore fun and enjoyable.

Also this chapter is dedicated to the readers of this wacky fic. Enjoy!

After realizing that the first chapter was no longer going to involve him, Harry Potter sat on the floor of his room, trying to figure out how to defeat the forces of evil.

"Jump Ron! Get the crystal ice glaciers from atop that cliff and defeat the steaming salamanders from the enchanted chamber of doom!" yelled Harry as he played his Prisoner of Azkaban video game. The 5th level was always the most difficult.

"Oh, I thought his opening chapter would never finish," said Harry as he turned off his Playstation. Besides he was getting to the part when he needed the circle, triangle, circle, square, triangle, circle, X, circle cheat code and there was no time for that.

"Blast, Ron hasn't contacted me and I just feel so lonely!" he wailed. "If only I had someone to grant my every wish!"

With a loud CRACK sound, green and pink smoke filled the room. Two figures emerged from the smoke, each sporting a crown atop their heads and holding a wand.

"Who are you guys?" asked Harry.

"Why, we are your fairy House-elves!" said the two little house elves.

_"Harry is an average kid and no one understands-"(_Insert film reel of Harry getting hit in the face by a volleyball)

_"Aunt Pentunia, Vernon, Dudley are always giving him command-"_

_"Bed twerp!"_ yelled Dudley as he slammed the door.

_"He is in his room then suddenly and instantly, those magical little fishes grant his every wish because in reality they are his Odd House-elves! Fairly OddHouse-elves!"_

_"Wands and wings_!" yelled Judy the pink house-elf.

_"Floaty crowny things!"_ sang Laslo the green house-elf.

_"He lives in unity with his fairly Odd house-elves! Ha!"_

"Oh my god! You guys can do magic!?" asked Harry excitedly.

"Uh, yeah" said Laslo.

"Cool, so can I!" said Harry.

"Then what the hell did we get sent here for?" asked Judy, but then there came a loud rumbling noise from downstairs.

"Oh, something more exciting seems to be happening downstairs. See you guys!" said Harry and disappeared down the stairs.

"Damn! We lost another kid!" yelled Laslo as he broke his wand in half.

* * *

Harry ran down the stairs and into the living room,only to discover that his relatives were unconsciousunder a pile of bricks and wood. Harry couldn't think of any reason for their state of being. Maybe it was the huge ship that was in the middle of the living room.

"What the hell?"

"Ahoy there!" yelled Captain Jack Sparrow from atop the mast of the Black Pearl. Will Turner was doing something of unimportance and looking pretty like he always does. "Do you happen to know where I can find Captain Barbossa?"

"Jack, you know what your mother said about playing in other people's houses right?" said Harry with his arms crossed.

"...Aye" said Jack as he hung his head in shame and drove his ship out of the Dursely's House. "Oh by the way I found this outside, "he said as he threw Ron,Fred, and George off his ship.

"Hey Harry!" greeted Ron Augustus Bartholomew Weasley and his brothers.

"What are you guys doing here?" asked Harry.

"Well the Quidditch World Cup is happening and we thought it would be nice to bring you, Hermione, and the rest of our 125 family members with us."

"Sweet!" said Harry. He ran back up the stairs andgathered his things into his Hello Kitty trunk and wasjust about to leave when he remembered something veryimportant. He walked over to Uncle Vernon and his eyesbegan to water. This may or may not be the onion thatFred was holding under Harry's nose, but he finallyspoke.

"Uncle Vernon after all this time I just wanted to say-" said Harry just as the cliché violin started playing in the background.

"-I'm going to borrow 20 bucks," said Harry as he took out Uncle Vernon's wallet.

With that he and the Weasley Brothers skipped merrily into the sunset.

_4 hours, 7 McDonald's Mcflurry's, and 3 subway ride attempts later...._

Harry and the Weasley brothers finally made it to the burrow. Every Weasley known to man was there, including the kid who was Arthur Weasley's second cousin 's father's nephew's great aunt.

Bill and Charlie were there too, and according to every fic on the internet and the series they were hot.

And Hermione was....Hermione was....Hermione was still smart.

Out of all the mayhem of so many relatives, Ginny managed to find Harry. Like some obsessive stalker character.

"Hi Harry." said Ginny as she wore a shirt that said "Harry/Ginny forever".

"Hey" said Harry. She ran away giggling madly.

"Ron, do you think she still likes me?" asked Harry inquisitively.

"Dude, she is so over you." said Ron.

_The next morning...._

"Alright everyone! Gather your things and we'll beoff!" yelled Arthur Weasley to his entire family.

"Hey Ron, look what I got." said Harry as he held up a camcorder.

"Cool, and you know what? We are going into the woods were all those people disappeared and those weird markings appeared, but I'm sure it's nothing to worry about" said Ron.

"Let's go!" said Harry.

_5 minutes later..._

"I'm so scared right now." said Harry into the camera.

"Why did we come in here man?!" yelled Ron as he began to cry.

"Tell everyone that I'm sorry and-" began Harry.

"Will you two get out of the Weasley's garden and follow us!?" yelled Hermione from behind the fence.

"Okay!" yelled Harry as he and Ron giggled over towards Hermione.

After trudging through the woods, the Weasley's, Harry and Hermione finally made it to the new contraption, the port key. Already there were Amos Diggory and his son Cedric

"Hello Harry how are-" started Cedric but out of nowhere a bolt of lighting hit him and he fell to the ground. Everyone screamed. Surely that could have killed anybody.

"I'm okay!" said Cedric as he got up.

"Groovy" said Harry as he went to the portkey. "So Harry, how have you-" Cedric began but fell off the conveniently placed cliff side that surely spelled impending doom towards anyone who fell off it.

"No, I'm okay!" yelled Cedric as he climbed back up the cliff side. Harry grabbed Cedric by the collar and dragged him over to the portkey where they all disappeared into a psychedelic whirlwind of mind-bending colors.

* * *

Okay people, first I must apologize for the massacre I placed upon the "Fairly Oddparents" theme song. When I was writing this I couldn't remember all the words.

Second of all, thanks for reading this crazy chapter and Laslo says that you should all review!


	3. Hotdogs and Shiny Rings

A/N: When I started to write this chapter, I was in the middle of also writing my English Essay. Maybe that explains why I couldn't finish it for 5 hours.

It was the day of the long-awaited Quidditch World Cup and excitement filled the air. Multitudes of fans were cheering as the teams went onto the field. The announcers in the booth were the most overjoyed.

"...and some guy flies after the red ball and catches it..." said announcer #1 as he tried to stay awake.

"Yeah, um, the guy in the green uniform just threw the ball through the circle thing" said announcer #2.

"........What the hell is Quidditch?" asked announcer # 3.

_Down in the Weasley's box...._

"Come on ride the train, wooo wooo, and ride it woo woo..." sang Harry as he ate a hotdog.

"I come from the land down under, oh yeahhhh..." sang Ron

"What is love, baby, don't hurt me, no more, do do do do doo..." sang Hermione.

"You know Harry-" started Ron thoughtfully, "- we are sitting here, enjoying ourselves, and I have feeling that the rest of the story will go smoothly with no threats made on your life."

"Ron, I think you right." said Harry.

* * *

Lucius Malfoy stood in the middle of a cold, dark room. His fellow death eaters stood around him, daring not to make eye contact. Voldermort sat in his chair, watching Lucius very closely. He finally spoke.

"Lucius, in order for you to become one of my top death eaters, you must complete this final task. Mind you that it has never been done before."

"I am ready" said Lucius as he took a deep breath. The death eaters stirred. Voldermort smiled.

"Fine. Wormtail, spin."

"Left hand on red" said Wormtail happily.

Lucius thrust out his left hand to the "Twister" board and went into the "Super Duper Turn-Style Lemony McTwist."

Everyone cheered. Goyle ran to the light switch and flicked it on. Nott was holding a cup of punch while sporting a "Go Lucius!" shirt. Avery was wearing a "Twister '76 Convention" bandana.

"Yes! I got skills!" he shouted triumphantly.

"Yes Lucius, you have mad skills. Congratulations, you have are now inducted to the 'Bad Guy Twister Hall of Fame'" said Voldermort.

Wormtail and Avery handed Lucius a bouquet of roses.

"Now it's time to make up a new brilliant rouse to kill Potter!" yelled Nott.

Everyone agreed, but the Dark Lord looked saddened.

"Master, what's the matter?" asked Wormtail.

"I don't know. Hey guys?-" he asked with a hint of embarrassment in his voice, "Do you think I'm really cut out for this job?"

"Master of course! Don't you remember the Olympics ?" asked Crabbe.

"The Olympics?..."

_Flashback sequence........_

It was 1980, the year of the 22nd Olympiad and awaiting for his swimming race to begin was Tom Riddle. As he stepped onto the blocks, a group of men dressed in all black and drinking "Samuel Adams" beer were watching Tom very closely. Maybe because they needed a leader for some kind of secret organization in the future? No, they were just amused at this guy in a Speedo.

The gun went off. The race happened. Tom lost.

"What?! 3rd place?!" he screamed. "Forget that!" he yelled as he cursed the judge who gave him a 7.3333333333333.

"Damn. Well I have nothing left to do but become some dark overlord. I need some notorious followers to obey my every whim," he said. He also thought about where to start looking first. This process would be long and tedious.....

The hell with that.

"Hey you guys want to be death eaters and listen to everything I say?" he asked the now-drunk group of men in the stands.

"Okay!" they all yelled.

_End flashback...._

"Well, that was one of my finest moments" said Voldermort proudly. "Uh, the curse and recruitment, not the race."

"So what do we do now?" asked Lucius.

"Well, I heard from this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this guy, who knows this _girl, _that knows this guy and he said that the Qudditch World Cup is today and Potter is going to be there."

"Let's go!" yelled Lucius.

The death eaters all walked to the door. "Oh and guys -" said Voldermort. They all turned. "- I don't want everyone to know that I'm already back to full form, so you know, don't make a scene."

"We promise." they all chorused.

* * *

"I got someone's watch!" yelled McNair from among a smoking wreckage of a tent.

"I got a necklace!" yelled Nott.

"I found a cookie!" yelled Lucius.

Even though the Death Eaters were ruthless and loved to plunder for valuables, they knew when it was time to be discrete and not make a scene.

"So what do you guys want to blow up next?" asked Wormtail.

"Hey, what's that in the sky?" said Goyle as he pointed upward.

"It's a bird!" yelled Nott.

"It's a plane!" shouted Avery.

"It's a....no wait, it is a plane." said Lucius as he held on to his beloved chocolate chip cookie.

"Oh look, the Dark Mark." said Goyle casually. They all stared at the hideous symbol in the sky that stood for the most evil wizard and they could only do one thing to celebrate its presence.

"Awwwwwwww!" they all chimed with dreamy eyes. Lucius finally spoke.

"Guys, we better get out of here. If someone sees us and the Dark Mark in the air-" he said with a worried look, "- we might be making somewhat of a scene."

The Death Eaters all agreed and lifted up their bags of swag to leave. Wormtail followed behind and then knocked over a lawn gnome. They all froze and turned around. Lucius went up to Wormtail and slapped him.

"What did he say Wormtail?! What did he say?! Don't make a scene!"

_In a dark cave somewhere...._

Harry and Cedric where wandering around in a dark, dank cave. There were giant spider webs surrounding them everywhere and if they were smart enough, they knew that going into this place of impending death was a bad idea. Especially for Cedric.

"I don't know Gollum, are you sure this is the right way to return this shiny ring I found in the bottom of my trunk." asked Harry as he held up the one ring to rule them all.

"Of courrrrsseee..." said Gollum as he hopped over a rock.

"Harry! Cedric! Get out here!" yelled Ron from outside the cave.

"Oh we have to go" said Harry as he put the ring in his pocket and walked outside with Cedric.

"Damn!" yelled Gollum.

_Outside...._

"Hey Harry, while you were in there, someone totally made a scene by knocking over Old Man Withers lawn gnome." said Ron.

"Man, some people just don't know how to be discrete" said Harry shaking his head.

"Oh yeah, and the Dark Mark is in the sky, but I'm sure it doesn't mean anything" contributed Hermione.

Just then, Mr. Crouch and some other non-important people came running over to see where the Dark Mark originated from.

"This is Mr. Potter's wand and even though Harry is always telling the truth and everyone waits to the end of the story to believe him, I'm still going to go with my gut instinct and accuse him."

"Crap." said Harry.

"Wait, I have the person who really did this!" yelled Mr. Weasley as he ran over with a sack over his shoulder. He reached into the sack and pulled out a short creature with big ears and wide eyes.

"Yoda!" yelled Harry. "I knew it!"

"I not did this, did this not!" said Yoda in his wacky Star Wars lingo.

"What's up?" came a tiny voice from behind a garbage can. It was Winky the House-elf.

"Winky!" screamed Mr. Crouch. "You did this? I have nothing left to do but set you free and make you go into a butterbeer drinking induced hell."

"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" cried the little house-elf.

"Well guys, after all this I'm sure all the danger has passed." said Harry as he Ron and Hermione walked over to the smoldering wreckage that used to be their campsite.

* * *

Alright everyone, you knew it was coming...the Lord of the Rings crossover. Alast, it was just waiting to happen. I hope you all enjoyed reading the "twister" scene and having the thought of Lucius Malfoy doing a spin like that in your head. Review! 


	4. The Muffin of Fire

A/N: Midterm tomorrow! Must study, but for now a quick update.

And so it was that, Harold, Ronald, and Hermione, were to go back to their magical instution of learning, to do magical things, in their magical spare time.

After a few hours on the Hogwarts Express, a cameraman and crew came into Harry's compartment.

"Oh hello," said Harry as he waved to the camera. "As some of you may know I have an entire series about myself and three feature length films too. These are my best friends, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley."

"Hey" said Hermione and Ron.

"You know guys I think it's time something exciting happened." said Harry.

"Well, I bought my tape player" said Ron as he lifted up his "Barbie" boom box.

"I think it's time for some Bohemian Rhapsody" suggested Harry as he pulled out his "Queen" tape.

A catchy tune started to play as Harry and crew walked out the door.

"_I see a little silhouetto of a man_," sang Harry in a deep voice.

"_Scaramouche,scaramouche will you do the fandango-" _chimed in Ron and Hermione in equally deep voices.

"_Thunderbolt and lightning-very very frightening me-" _they all sang in the hall.

"_Galileo, Galileo_," sang Fred as he joined them in the hall.

"_Galileo, Galileo_," joined in George.

"_Galileo figaro-magnifico_-" they all sang, their voices echoing of the walls.

"_But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me-" _sang Draco from his compartment while reading a magazine.

"_He's just a poor boy from a poor family-" _added Crabbe and Goyle.

"_Spare him his life from this monstrosity-" _sang all the 4th years as they walked down the hall with Harry.

"_Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-" _said Hedwig from her cage.

"_Beelzebub has a devil put aside for meeeeee ,for meeeeeee, for meeeee-" _sang everyone with their hands in the air. Just as Harry was about to go into the air-guitar solo, the train stopped and everyone fell over.

"I think we have arrived" said Hermione. Everyone cheered

* * *

Going back to Hogwarts was a time when old friends were once again reunited, new students could get to know each other and the four houses to forget their differences and come together.

"Did you just look at my fork?!" yelled some 5th year Ravenclaw to some 4th year Hufflepuff.

"And what if I did?!" she yelled back.

"Oh, don't make me go all up in this piece!" yelled the Ravenclaw student.

Joy and Happiness were in the air. Even though they mean the same thing.

"Isn't it just wonderful to be back at school?" asked Hermione happily.

"Meh..." said Ron

"Hey, isn't it about time for the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher to be introduced?" asked Harry. Just then, Dumbledore stood up and asked for everyone's attention. Nobody listened. He picked up a house-elf and hit against the table. Everyone stopped talking.

"Now that I have your attention-" he said, "- I am pleased to introduce your new teacher, Mad-Eye Moody." Everyone applauded politely as Mad-Eye came out from behind a lamp, and walked up to the table...suspiciously.

"Thank you everyone, and I am telling you now that I am a non-suspicious person that has come to teach here so don't think of me as a follower of the Dark Lord and that I am impersonating the real Mad-Eye Moody or anything of that sort," he said uneasily as his eyes darted back and forth.

There was agreeing from all the tables.

"Hey mister, your face is changing..." said some observant student.

"Oh damn!" murmured Mad-Eye as he ran away.

Dumbledore stood up once again. "Now if you will all follow me outside, the other magical school students will be arriving soon for the Tri-Wizard Tournament."

"What the hell is the Tri-Wizard tournament?" asked Harry.

"It doesn't matter Harry, if you have seen the 4th book cover, you are on the front so you know that you are going to be involved," said Hermione in a bored voice.

"Okay" said Harry.

_Outside...._

Everyone was waiting patiently for the new students to arrive, and just as the clock struck 12 a giant carriage shaped like a pumpkin made it to the front doors. It grew quiet as a woman in a ball gown stepped out and started complaining about some glass shoe.

"Oh, here come the real students..." said Fred as he pointed to a crowd of pissed-off looking people walking up the path. The Beauxbatons students, and they were all eating croissants.

Just then, a loud rumbling came from the lake and a giant ship started to rise out of the water. Everyone was in awe.

"What school is that?" asked Ron

"That's Durmstrang, and I believe Viktor Krum, the boy that will make you extremely jealous, is waving to us" said Hermione as she looked on eagerly. But it wasn't Viktor Krum who was waving to them, but the last person that Harry would ever expect to see. Captain Jack Sparrow.

"What the hell is he doing here?" asked Ron.

"I don't know, lets just all walk inside and pretend not to notice him" said Harry as he ushered everyone inside.

Harry, Ron and Hermione ran into the Great Hall the next night and sat down.

"Man, these scene changes are exhausting. Didn't we just eat just two paragraphs of dialogue ago?" asked Ron.

They all shrugged.

"So what's the point of tonight's feast" asked Harry as he reached for a bowl.

"Tonight the champions are going to be chosen from the schools" said Hermione.

"Oh my God!" yelled Harry.

"I know, isn't it exciting?" Hermione said happily.

"No, someone took my box of Trix!" said Harry angrily. He looked around the room and saw the Trix rabbit running away with his beloved cereal.

"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!" said Ron good-heartedly.

_Later...._

Dumbledore walked into the Great Hall wheeling in a cart with an "Easy Bake Oven". Everyone craned their heads to get a look. Except for Harry, he was icing his black eye down from the scuffle that ensued after he cornered the Trix Rabbit.

"What's going on?" asked Ron.

"Well, if the stories are true, that oven is the holding place of-" she took a deep breath "- the Muffin of Fire."

Just then, two students, one wearing a black hat and the other with messy blond hair and thick glasses, stopped in front of the oven and bowed.

"We're not worthy, we're not worthy!" the both chanted as Hagrid escorted them outside.

"Man, Wayne and Garth need a life" said Ron as he shook his head.

"Look! Dumbledore is doing something!" yelled out Fred.

True to his word, Dumbledore slowly opened the oven door and slowly removed the most sweet smelling, scrumptious looking, delightfully enriching piece of bread that anyone has ever laid their eyes upon. That's when everyone gasped.

"Sweet Mother! Someone has taken a bite out of the Muffin of Fire!" yelled George.

"Well duh" called out Harry.

"Who has done such a thing?" cried Hermione.

"I don't know" said Ron as he dusted off the bread crumbs from his robes. But it didn't matter, for the Muffin of Fire started sprouting mouth-watering blueberries on its surface. They formed a name.

"For Durmstrang-" called out Dumbledor, "-Viktor Kum!" There was applauding as Viktor made his way up to the stage.

"Thank you Viktor, now if you would please wait in the chamber-" said Dumbledore.

"You know, when I was young boy back in Bulgaria, my father-" started Viktor.

_1 hour later..._

"So to make long story short-" said Viktor to the bored audience.

"Too late!" yelled someone.

Dumbldore stood up and walked up to the snoozing Muffin of fire and poked it in the side. It woke up and began to form yet another name.

"Fleur Delacour!" yelled Dumbledore. Fleur made her way up to the stage and her long silvery hair swayed behind her.

All the boys swooned.

"For, Hogwarts, Cedric Diggory!" yelled Dumbledore as Cedric smiled brightly and made his way up to the front, but was stopped when an anvil fell on his head.

"I'm okay!" he said as he walked stupidly off the stage.

"Hey, my name wasn't called and Cedric was picked to undergo the dangerous tasks" said Harry with the sound of relief in his voice.

The Muffin of Fire's delicious blueberries switched formation and to Dumbledore's surprise he read the name.

"Harry Potter!" he called in a bored voice.

"Crap!"

"How could I have been picked!?" yelled Harry as he walked into Gryffindor Common Room. "Do you think anyone will mind that I am in the tournament?" he asked Hermione.

"Well we could ask the experts" said Hermione.

----------- "Best Week Ever" logo flashes by------------

"This week on the Upgrade, Downgrade, our panelists discuss Harry Potter and the Tri-wizard." Said the creepy voiceover guy.

"They say that Harry Potter just got into the Tri-Wizard Tournament..How frickin cool is that? Upgrade!" said Christian Finnegan.

"The only time I give an upgrade is when the champion of Hogwarts is...Ron Weasley. Downgrade!" said Doug Benson.

"Extreme UPGRADE!" simply yelled Paul Scheer.

"It's Best Week Ever. It's how baby birds would get their news!" said the creepy voice.

Harry stared.

"Feel better?" asked Hermione.

"No. I wont feel better until the most important person here says it is!" Harry proclaimed to the masses.

"Lil' Jon, what do you think about me getting picked?"

"Yeaaaaaaaaah!" said Lil' Jon.

"Well that's good enough for me!" said Harry.

_Outside...._

"Hello? I've been out here for a day...let me in!" yelled Jack Sparrow.

The Bohemian Rhapsody scene is a special dedication to the movie, "Wayne's World". That is the best movie ever created and if you haven't seen it yet, then go rent it!


	5. The First Task

It was finally the day of the first task and the boy known as Harry Potter was not nervous at all….AT ALL!  
  
"Harry, pass the salt" asked Ron as they all sat down in the Great Hall.  
  
"Giberferturistarabut!" screamed Harry as he passed the salt to his friend.  
  
"So Harry…are you ready for the task yet…nervous?" asked Hermione.  
  
"Noqutaskgingfurtheghutha!" said Harry shaking his head. By now, Harry was sweating profusely and some student slipped and knocked over his lunch tray.  
  
"What is the first task anyway?" asked Harry now that he had calmed down.  
  
"I'm not sure, but I heard it's something down in the Quidditch stadium," said Hermione.  
  
"Oh well, that must not be too bad…" said Harry.  
  
"Please, help me up, I'm badly hurt…" said the student.  
  
_Later, at the Quidditch Stadium…._  
  
A lone figure stepped into the field wearing a black and white stripped shirt. A microphone lowered from somewhere above.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen in this corner, the guy with the hair-" said the announcer in a booming voice, "you know him, you kind of like him, Predatorrrrrrrrrr!"  
  
Cheers erupted from the stands.  
  
"And in this corner, the guy with the mouth, inside the mouth, Aliennnnnnnnnnnnn! Let's get ready to rumbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"  
  
Everyone in the Quidditch stadium cheered as the two creatures went into one hell of a CGI animation all out battle.  
  
Higher in the stands, Harry was munching on some popcorn. "My money is on Alien," Harry told Ron.  
  
"Harry, weren't you supposed to be at the first task by now?" asked Hermione.  
  
"….Crap!"  
  
_Down in some rundown tent in the forbidden forest…._  
  
Harry and the other champions were sitting on cardboard boxes awaiting to here what the hell the first task was about. Just then, Ludo Bagman walked in and all the students stood up.  
  
"The first task in a series of complicated doings that must be done with precise actions or you will shame each of your schools. "  
  
"Man, I hope we don't have to face fire-breathing dragons and retrieve some sort of magical object from behind at, " said Harry with a worried tone.  
  
"I hope it's not a ridiculous series of events based on TV reality shows, just to get cheap laughs and be essential to the plot of the story" said Cedric.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes. "This task will have a ridiculous series of events based on TV reality shows, just to get cheap laughs and be essential to the plot of the story" said Mr. Bagman, who may or may not have been there at all due to the fact that the author of this story totally forget who the hell was a judge.  
  
_Later, on the roof of Gryffindor Tower…._  
  
"Alright Fleur, just count to 3 and jump off and due round of somersaults while landing perfectly on your feet" said Bagman as he ushered the "Fear Factor" cameras to zoom in.  
  
"But I don't want to…." started Fleur, but was pushed off the roof by Cedric.  
  
"She's flying!" cried Viktor.  
  
_Back at the Quidditch Stadium…._  
  
"Who in their right mind would want to watch two creatures ripping each other apart, for our enjoyment?" asked Snape.  
  
"Yes! Kill him! Get him!" yelled Dumbledore as he fell out of his seat.  
  
After everyone had jumped off, Cedric landing in the hospital wing when his bungee cord snapped for mysterious reasons, and Harry almost wetting his pants from fear, the event was finally over.  
  
"Now if everyone would follow me to Great Hall, were the plastic surgery will take place," said Bagman as he walked away.  
  
"Surgery!?" screamed Harry.  
  
"Plastic Surgery?!?" screamed Fleur.  
  
"….Great Hall!?!?" yelled out Cedric.  
  
_In the Great Hall…._  
  
The lights were dimmed and many official looking people were standing along the walls. A woman was talking into a camera and then she ordered for the doors to be opened. It was a person in a long flowing ball gown and blond hair.  
  
"Are you ready to see yourself for the first time in 3 months?" asked the woman.  
  
"Yes" said the person as they took a deep breath. Two curtains opened to reveal a huge mirror and Harry's reflection staring back.  
  
"Oh my god!" screamed Harry as he covered his mouth in awe. He turned to view himself better and began to cry. "The Swan" does that to people.  
  
Harry ended up winning the Swan Pageant and beat out Cedric who was a close second, but tensions began to fly.  
  
"I was so close to winning contest and Harry took it from me!" yelled Viktor. "You know, when I was young boy Bulgaria, my father told me…" started Viktor, but never finished his thoughts, for the camera ran out of film.  
  
_Later…_  
  
"Harry is so, just, damnit!" yelled Cedric in the "Real World" confessional. "Not only did he take the damn "Swan" title from me, but he has to rub it in my face, by eating the last lollipop in the frickin' castle!" said Cedric as he began to weep.  
  
_Later again…._  
  
"I just don't know why Cedric is so jealous! I mean, is it my fault that his butt was too big and the judges didn't like it?" said Harry as he sighed in the confessional booth.  
  
Being a teenage boy wizard wasn't easy.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Finally an update, but alas it was a bit short, I know. I' will try to make the next chapters a bit longer, but due to the blasted "essay once a week" policy that my English teacher decided to throw at us, it's hard to write my beloved parody. But that doesn't mean I will leave the story unfinished! Thanks for reading and now…review! 


	6. Record Players and Thrown Guitars

Harry and Ron were playing tic-tac-toe one fine day when there was a very special announcement.

"Good morning students-" said Dumbledore over the Hogwarts PA system. "I have a very special announcement. This year we will have the Yule Ball at our school, students in 4th year and up may attend. Hope to see you there."

"A dance sounds cool." said Ron to Harry.

"Yeah and Dumbledore sounds pretty excited" said Harry. At that moment the Headmaster's voice came back on.

"Can't wait until those kids all get locked in so I can turn the sprinklers on them" chuckled Dumbledore.

"Sir, you have to stop pressing the button for it turn off" whispered Professor McGonagall.

"…well son of a…"

Later after class….

Harry and Ron were walking in the hallway when they met up with Hermione.

"So who are you guys asking to the Yule Ball?" said Harry.

Suddenly, Hermione got very red in the face and turned to Ron, as if embarrassed to ask him something. "Ron, I, um, been meaning to ask you this…for a long time" she said, trying not to look him in the face.

"Uh, yes Hermione?" Ron said uneasily.

"Well I was just wondering if you would-" she said. Harry started to play a record with sappy music in the backround. Could this be the moment that all Ron/Hermione shippers were waiting for!? Could this be when Hermione would finally hook up with Ron!?

"-pay me back those 5 dollars you borrowed?" she said finally. The record scratched.

"Oh yeah, here you go" said Ron forking over the money. Hermione walked away happily and went to go look for Viktor Krum.

They both continued to walk down the hall when Harry stopped and gazed ahead. Ron looked at what Harry was so entranced with and saw Cho Chang with her groupies following her.

"Ron, do you think I should go talk to her?" asked Harry.

"Allow me my good man, I'll clear a path for you" sad Ron in a roguish voice. He walked up to Cho Chang and then ushered Harry to come over. As he walked over, he heard a loud tearing sound and he realized that he had ripped his robes.

"Hey Harry, Ron told me that you are looking for a date to the-"said Cho, but stopped and looked at the rip in Harry's clothing. "- did you just rip your robes?"

"Yes, I ripped my robes…" said Harry.

"See you later loser!" said Cho as she went to meet up with Cedric who had just narrowly escaped the Hogwarts crocodile pit of doom.

"Dude, I totally hooked you up! Why didn't you put the moves on her?" asked Ron.

"Because Ron, I lost her the moment I ripped…my robes" said Harry sadly as he pulled out a guitar from his emergency kit.

"_I thought that I had everybody on my side-" _sang Harry as several students stopped to look at him. Ron bought out his tambourine.

"But now she wont even talk to me, because I ripped…my robes-" Suddenly, like in every other spur-the-moment musical numbers, everyone knew the words to the song and joined in.

"When Cedric came into town, Harry turned into a clown, and no one evvvveer wants to dance, with a fool that went and, ripped his robes-" sand the crowd.

"I know I should mumble and I shouldn't curse, but the pain feels so much worse-" sang Harry in a deep voice.

"Hey Harry its time for lunch" said Ron as he checked his Winnie the Pooh watch.

Harry quit feeling sorry for himself and threw his guitar into the onlookers. Someone got smacked in the head and still hasn't woken up.

Later, in the Great Hall…

All the student were chatting excitedly about the upcoming Yule Ball as they ate their Taco Bell Tacos. Harry, Ron and Hermione were savoring their delicious fast food, when Hedwig and a bunch of other owls came flying in.

They seemed to be carrying a…person in a suit, but due to all the owl-nip they consumed from the previous night, the owls drunkenly let go of the person at the same time. This unidentified guest crashed into a bowl of potatoes, bumped into a jug of pumpkin juice, careened into a big dish of pudding and fell to the ground.

"Mail's here!" yelled out George happily.

Everyone gathered around to see who had just arrived. The person got up and was miraculously untouched by the food and flashed an award- winning smile. The girls swooned.

"Hello everyone!"

It was Harry's old friend…Prince William.

"Wassup Will! What are you doing here?" asked Harry as he got out from under a pile of Jell-O.

"I heard that the Yule Ball was taking place this year and I couldn't pass up the opportunity."

"Wait, how did you know about the Yule Ball?" asked Hermione from under a pile of potatoes.

"Who doesn't know about it?" said Will wisely. Hermione accepted this and dashed off.

---------------

I know that chapter was short but I didn't want to cram it in with the actual Yule Ball chapter.

Mad Props to the Sponge bob episode when he rips his pants. Now that I think, I promised a musical numbers in my last two fics, but here when I don't even mention it in the summary, characters are busting out into song everywhere. Go figure….Review!


	7. Stayin' Aliiiiiiiiive!

A/N: First of I would like to thank….I think….Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger for their most marvelous reviews. If no one knows what the hell I'm talking about, check out the reviews page.

After days of waiting, the night of the Yule Ball finally arrived and all the students were as excited as can be.

"I'm a hot bachelor!" yelled Harry.

"No, I'm a hot bachelor!" countered Ron.

"Gentlemen please, we are all hot bachelors" said Prince William. Everyone agreed.

All the boys from Gryffindor tower headed downstairs to meet with their dates and just as they reached the bottom step, Hermione appeared in all her glory. Ron gasped; Harry and Prince William were distracted by a dust bunny. But alas, Hermione was hand in hand with Viktor Krum and they disappeared into the crowd.

"Did you see how she just showed off, walking away in the crowd like that!" yelled Ron as he stepped on the dust bunny. Harry and Prince William wept.

"Oh well," said Harry as he dabbed at his eye, "it's time to go to the Great Hall," he said as all three boys strolled down the red carpet.

There were hundreds of photographers and flashes going off every second. Harry smiled, Ron was talking to a reporter, and William was standing around looking handsome.

Just as the boys were about to walk through the Great Hall doors, a terrifying woman, with blond hair, jumped out from behind the crowd.

"Sweet Mother of…" yelled Ron as he dove behind Harry.

"Oh, oh, can we talk!" yelled Joan Rivers. The boys ran away.

"Damnit! Bashing people's clothes is all I can do!" she yelled.

_In the Great Hall…._

Harry, Ron, and William were cruisin' the hall for some fine lookin' ladies and you may be asking yourself why they didn't have their dates. Well, due to lacking character development of their dates, and the chapter makes sense without them, they are not included.

As they sat down at a table, Dumbledore came onto the stage in his blue polyester, ruffle tux and afro. "Good evening to you all, I hope you will enjoy yourself tonight and if my foxy lady friend, McGonagall would join me on stage, let's get this party started!" he yelled as he began dancing to "Stayin' Alive".

As all the students began to shake their groove things, Hermione walked up to the punch bowl.

"Dude, this is your chance to mingle with Hermione," said Harry as he began to break dance for some reason. Ron took a deep breath and walked over to Hermione. She smiled. "Would you like some punch Ron?" she asked. He nodded, grabbed the cup and then walked away.

"Did you see how I handled that?" said Ron to Harry smoothly.

"Could she be more obvious, she practically was asking you out on a date," said Harry.

After much fun and partying, Dumbledore once again walked onto the stage and spoke into the microphone. "Now we have a very special surprise, we have live entertainment for you all," said the Headmaster as all the students started chatting excitedly. "Please welcome, recording artist, Hillary Duff!" he shouted.

"…Yay" said someone from the back of the room as there was polite clapping as Hilary Duff walked onto the stage.

"and Lindsay Lohan!" finished Dumbledore. This was met by much whooping and hollering.

"What the hell!" shouted Duff as she walked up to the movie teen queen.

"Yeah, what you going to do about?" asked Lohan. This was met by more whooping and hollering.

"Don't get in my face, Lohan, I will scratch you!"

"Whoooooooo" yelled all the students.

"Don't make this get ugly!" yelled Lohan.

"Whooooooooo" yelled all the students.

"My heel just broke" said Duff offhandedly.

"Whoooooo" yelled some student.

Hilary and Lindsay just shrugged and began to fight as Dumbldore pushed them off stage.

"Well that was a bust," he said. "Oh by the way Harry, Hagrid is a half-giant and holds a mysterious past, that is hopefully essential to the plot in later books, but I just thought I tell you now" said the Headmaster.

"You the man Dumbledore!" shouted Harry.

"Well, I think it's time to crown the King and Queen of the Yule Ball" said Professor McGonagall. Dumbledore reached into his afro and pulled out an envelope and opened it.

The hall went quiet, as Dumbledore read out the first name. "The queen of the Yule Ball is…Hermione Granger!" She screamed as she accepted her crown and waved to the students.

"The King of the Yule Ball is….Aragorn!" A grungy looking man in battle armor, long hair, and what appeared to be his rag-tag groupies, walked onto to the stage. All the girls swooned.

"Man, that Aragorn gets all the chicks," said Ron.

_Later…._

After the dance was finished, all the students filed out of the Great Hall. Harry and Ron bid goodbye to Prince William as he went home. Dumbledore had to be taken to the hospital wing after tripping on his platform shoes, Draco Malfoy was asleep on the floor after consuming too much punch, and after all this Harry got separated from Ron when he went to go contemplate the meaning of life.

When Harry finally got back to Gryffindor tower, he came upon Hermione and Ron fighting over a very serious issue that was plaguing the world.

"Blue is the best color!" he yelled.

"Red!" she screamed as she walked away. Harry walked over to his friend . "It's okay Ron, don't worry about it," said Harry consolingly.

"What do you want to do now?" asked Ron as he regained his composure.

"We could go sneak into the kitchens and eat," suggested Harry.

"We did that yesterday," said Ron.

"We could go give the first years wedgies."

"Twice this week," said Ron moodily.

"Well, we could borrow Dumbledore's platform shoes and run up and down the halls," shrugged Harry.

"Okay!" yelled Ron as they both dashed off like happy little school girls.


	8. The Second Task

A/N: I'm Backkkkkkkkkk! Finals are in a few days and instead of studying I have updated my beloved parody! I hope you all will be pleased with this chapter!

"So that's what happened when Ron ate my last piece of gum last year…" finished Harry as he soaked in the Prefects' Bathroom. "I mean is it my fault that I hit him for eating my last piece of Watermelon Bubblegum and now we are not talking because the author of the parody decides to add teenage angst in now?" Harry asked his rubber ducky.

Harry lowered his head and cried.

_The Next Day…._

Harry and his gal pal Hermione were walking around the grounds when they bumped into Ron.

"Now Harry, don't try to insult Ron again, you know what will happen" whispered Hermione.

"Hermione, Ronald and I are mature schoolboys that know how to settle our differences" said Harry importantly as he turned to face Ron.

"You jerk, I hate you!" yelled Harry as he pointed at his once best friend.

"Drama Queen!" countered Ron.

"Freckle face!"

"Four-eyes!"

"Bubblegum eater!" shouted Harry. Everyone gasped. Ron stood there as if he was slapped in the face. Harry smiled.

"You big meany!" yelled Ron as he ran away sobbing hysterically.

"See Hermione, mature schoolboys" said Harry as they walked to the lake.

_Later that day…._

Harry was standing by the water's edge as he was about to start the second task. As he, Fleur, Cedric (who had an unfortunate boating accident a few minutes before) and Krum were stepping into the water, Ron appeared from behind a floating inner tube.

"Harry wait!" he shouted.

"Yes Ron?" said Harry.

"I just wanted to, uh, say that, well…" started Ron, but Harry interrupted him.

"No Ron, just stop beating around the bush" said Harry. Ron quickly put down his baseball bat and stopped smacking the Hogwarts enchanted shrubbery.

"Oh right. I just wanted to apologize."

"Apology excepted….friend."

"Awwwwwwww" went the audience as did the readers at home.

After all that was taken care of, the clock started and Harry swam underwater in his "Hello Kitty" scuba-diving gear. He traveled for a long time in the deep murkiness of the lake, not knowing what was waiting in the darkness. Then he heard it. At first it was undistinguishable, but then Harry could make out some words and a funky Caribbean tune.

"_Under the sea, bad dum da da da, under the sea!_" sang a small crustacean.

"_Down where it's wetter, down here it's better, take it from me_!" sang some assorted mollusks.

"_Doo doo do do do do, da dada da da da da!" _

'What the hell?" said Harry, but couldn't, due to being underwater.

"Hi I'm Aerial! Would you like to spend your days down here singing and laughing about the people above water, because the jerk Eric won't commit!" said the little Mermaid.

"Uh, I have to go!" said Harry somehow as he swam away from the joyous underwater creatures.

_A few minutes later…_

Harry came to the opening of a cave and swam inside. As he took off his stylish scuba diving gear on dry land, he looked farther into the cave. At the end there was light billowing out. Harry walked until he bumped into somebody that was wearing a white smock.

"Uhh Hello?" said Harry.

"He's coming. Go see Star Wars 3, May 19th!" yelled Luke Skywalker as he jumped into the dark depths.

"Right…" said Harry as he turned to walk again until yet again someone in a dark suit appeared from behind a rock.

"Ahhh Harry Potter, at last we meet!" said Vader.

"Hi!" said Harry.

"Uhh right, anyway Harry, do you know who I am?"

"Well, if you are my father, that will really suck" said Harry in a bored tone.

"No Harry, I am that ate your last piece of bubblegum" said the maniacal lord Vader.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" yelled Harry as he fell to his knees.

"Harry wake up!" yelled Ron as he shook the boy-hero from his sleep.

"It was all dream. The fight we had, the singing, the bubblegum" said Harry with a sound of relief in his voice.

"Uhh yea, anyway Harry, the second task in tomorrow so get some rest."

_The Next morning…._

"I'm ready!" said Harry as he stepped onto the Hogwarts ground.

_5 minutes later…_

"Oh man, what happened?" asked Harry as he opened his eyes to find himself in the Hospital Wing.

"You walked onto the lawn, stepped on a banana peel and hit your head on a conveniently placed rock" said Hermione as Ron shook his head.

"Damn!" yelled Harry.

* * *

This is what happens when I finish a whole bag on chips and see nothing but Star Wars commercials on TV for two weeks straight. You knew it was coming people! Haha. I hope you enjoyed this installment and now review.

All Star Wars and Little Mermaid characters belong to George Lucas and Disney.


	9. Sparkly PJ's

A/N: Just thought a would put something to tide you all over until the Third Task chapter. Why I wrote this short interlude is a mystery……have a nice day!

"Everybody's talking all this stuff about me, why don't they just let me liveeeeeeee?" sang Harry into his comb as he danced in his blue sparkly pajamas. 

"Because it's my peragative!" sang Ron into his brush as he sported his purple bathrobe with the duckies on it.

"It's my peragativeeeeeeeeeeee!" yelled Harry as he jumped off his chair and did a somersault in the air while ending his routine with the splits.

"MR. POTTER! MR. WEASELY! ONE MORE DANCE NUMBER LIKE THAT AND IT'S DETENTION FOR THE BOTH OF YOU!" screamed McGonagall as she returned to the chalkboard.

"Sorry" said Harry and Ron as they sat down in their desks.

After exhibiting such debauchery in Transfiguration class, Harry and Ron had to be properly disciplined for their actions , so Dumbledore hired the only person that could take care of this…Supernanny.

"These two kids are so out of control, will Supernanny be able to straighten them out?" said the narrator guy.

"Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasely are always getting into trouble, fighting dark lords, battling gigantic snakes, capturing criminals…what did you expect was going to happen!" yelled Dumbledore into the camera.

"Now boys, if you are good you will each get a cookie, if you are bad, it's a time-out for you" said Supernanny joyously.

"…What the hell?" said Harry and Ron.


	10. The Third Task

A/N: What up everyone? The Third Task is finally here! Huzzah!

Wormtail was walking long the hallway, when he stopped in front of his Master's study. He opened the door and screamed. There in front of a giant mirror, Voldermort was striking karate poses in his underwear that said, "Tuesday". When it was really Friday.

"Who's your Dark Lord? Who's your Dark-" he stopped in complete embarrassment.

"Uh Master your needed outside" said Wormtail as he tried to not look at the most evil guy of all the time in his underwear.

"Yes, I, uh, see. Now go do something useful and throw yourself down the stairs."

Harry was eating breakfast on the morning of the third task, trying no to think about the evil that lurked in the last stage of the competition.

"and then they said this guy appears out of nowhere and asks a question, and he wears this suit…" said Ron.

"Noooooooooooooo!" screamed Harry as his buttered piece of toast hit some 3rd year and caused a 57 student pile-up.

"I can't take it anymore, all this talk of evil, I can't do the third task!" and with that, Harry stormed out of the Great Hall.

"We just can't let him leave like that, after all he is done for us!" said Hermione as she stood up.

"Dean, when your potion over-flowed and caused the flood, who helped clean it up?" she asked.

"Some guy who was walking by" he replied.

"Lavender, when your cat got stuck in the tree, who got it down for you?" Hermione yelled.

"A fireman" said Lavender.

"Right! So let's pretend that Harry is some guy who walked by and a fireman, we need to help him!" Hermione said triumphantly.

"Yeah!" everyone screamed.

"Hooray for the fireman!"

----------------------------------

"Harry wait!" called Hermione.

"No, Hermione, I don't want to hear what kind of brilliant rouse you have that will make agree to participating in the final task!" screamed Harry.

"I'll give you a cookie."

"Okay!" said Harry as he set off into the sunset. Even though it was breakfast time.

_Later that day…_

"Alright Harry, remember the spells, be swift and win for Gryffindor!" said Hermione.

"Dude, that cash prize is mine!" said Harry triumphantly.

"Harry, this more important than money, this is about glory and honor for Hogwarts" said Ron wisely.

"…..Dude that honor is mine!" said Harry as he walked to the starting line.

"Is everyone ready?" said Dumbledore. The four champions nodded. Dumbledore shot a single bullet into the air, Draco Malfoy screamed like a girl, and the champions ran to the maze.

_10 Minutes Later…._

"Baby when you love somebody, guess whattttttttttt? It's gonna be me!" sang Harry to his NSYNC CD as he cruised the maze.

_Elsewhere…._

Fleur Delacour was trying to find her way through the maze, she had been in there almost 10 minutes and had found nothing in her way. She turned a corner and bumped into something.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" she screamed, but it was only Viktor Krum. "Oh, itz only you" she said relieved.

"You know, when I was a young boy growing up…." said Viktor.

"Noooooooooooooooooo!" she screamed.

----------------------

Harry could feel the victory, he was running toward the center of the maze, but then came an obstacle that was the only thing that everyone feared about the Tri-Wizard tournament.

"_and then they said this guy appears out of nowhere and asks a question, and he wears this suit…" _echoed Ron's voice in his head.

"No…" said Harry terrified.

"Hello Harry Potter" said the man.

"Noooo!" screamed Harry as he fell to his knees, for the stranger was none other than…

Willy Wonka.

"Answer this question and you may pass" said Wonka.

"What is it?" said Harry.

"How do you spell ACDC?"

"Uhhh, AC lighting-bolt DC?" said Harry.

"Correct!" said Will Wonka as he cleared the way and revealed the stuff of dreams.

"A lifetime supply of chocolate!" said Harry happily.

"What? Oh no over there," said Wonka as he pointed to the Tri-Wizard Cup.

"Oh yeah" said Harry.

"Now, you may have one wish"

"Well, due to reasons unknown to myself and because Cedric needs to be here for a crucial point in the plot," said Harry as stroked his chin, "I wish Cedric was here!"

Cedric fell from the sky and hit the ground that could have _killed _anyone, but he just got up and dusted off his robes.

"Well , pal, shall we grab the Tri-Wizard Cup together?" said Harry.

"Yeah!.. But how did I get here?" asked Cedric.

"Uhhhh….the power of music" suggested Harry.

"Rock on!" and with that they grabbed the cup and disappeared.

---------------------------------------

Wow, credit goes out to the TV shows that I adore, Spongebob, King of the Hill and Fairly Oddparents.

Special thanks to guess appearance by Willy Wonka.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter and stay tuned for the almost stunning conclusion of "Harry Potter and the Muffin of Fire"!


	11. Cauldrons and sprinkles

Harry and Cedric were cruising the space time continuum, when there was a flash of bright light and they landed flat on their faces. As they got up saw that they were standing on a cloud of sorts and ahead them was a glorious glowing city with a humongous castle.

"Hey lets stay here!" suggested Cedric. Harry nodded.

"It's the wizard kid! Get him Laslo!" said a familiar pink house elf, that looked rather angry, and coming towards the boys, was Laslo the green house elf.

"Run Cedric, run for your life…" whispered Harry as they touched the Tri-wizard cup and disappeared.

"Damnit!" said Laslo as he broke his wand in half. He wept. Judy ate some licorice.

The two champions once again saw a flash of light, Harry landed on his feet, Cedric took a face-plant. This time, they were in a graveyard. An owl hooted in a tree.

"Hold me…" said Cedric as he hugged Harry.

"Oh for the love of…" said Harry, but then he saw something.

They looked off into the distance of the graveyard. Up ahead they saw what appeared to be a cauldron. It was producing a bubbly liquid that smelled of impeding doom, and standing right by it was a short man in a white outfit.

"Hello?" asked Harry as he walked closer, "who are you?"

"Then we add some of this spice…BAM!" said Emeril to some cameraman behind a tombstone.

"Hey you two, over here!" called Wormtail from the _other _smoking cauldron of impending doom.

Harry and Cedric walked over and left Emeril by himself. Emeril wept, for no one gave a damn about his TV show.

"Kill the spare!" yelled a voice.

Wormtail walked up to Cedric and hit him with the killing curse, but to no avail. Cedric was still alive and staring blankly ahead. The voice mumbled something else, Wormtail picked up a book, and threw it. Cedric died.

"Oh man this can't be any good for my lovable appealing character in book 5" mused Harry.

Wormtail went over to the cauldron and started to pour in ingredients that would bring his master back to life. Only the evilest of ingredients were used.

"A dash of sour Gummi Bears…" mumbled Wormtail. Harry handed him some rainbow sprinkles.

"…and now to stir, for my master shall live again!…hey what's that?…" said Wormtail.

"What?" asked Harry, for in the time he looked away Voldermort snuck up behind the cauldron and crouched down low. This was due to the author of this fic making Voldermort play twister and dance in his underwear, before realizing that Voldermort isn't supposed to be alive yet, but Harry didn't know that.

The Dark Lord mumbled something incoherent and it sounded something like, "lousy author"…or King Arthur. He _had_ been at Voldermort's birthday party last week…

"Here he is Ladies and Gentlemennnnnnnnnn, the Dark Loooord!" shouted Wormtail into the microphone as a bunch a fake smoke poured out of the cauldron.

Voldermort arose from behind the steaming batch of liquid and made his very own sound effects.

"Hello Harry Potter" he said maliciously.

"Hello" said Harry happily.

"….Right." A moment of silence passed. Harry coughed. Voldermort look around, and then finally he got the most brilliant idea.

"I should so totally call up my posse to meet us here!" said the Dark Lord as he concentrated on calling his followers. With a couple of loud pops, several people in masks appeared.

"How did you do that?" asked Harry amazed.

"He called us by contacting us through the Dark Mark on our forearms" said one of the death eaters as he lifted up his sleeve and displayed his happy face rub-on tattoo.

"This must be a dream," said Harry as he pinched himself. "Damnit!" he yelled. He pinched himself again.

"This is the Real World Harry Potter!" roared the Dark Lord.

"The Real World…." said Harry.

"_This is the true story, of 5 death eaters, a Dark Overlord and a boy hero, picked to hang out in a graveyard…" _said everyone to a camera.

Harry walked over to the camera and sat down on a tombstone. He spoke. "I don't know, should I be mad at him for killing my parents? Is that really me….I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to be around people who hate me!" cried Harry.

"Will you hurry up! Other people have to confess to you know!" yelled Lucius.

Just then Voldermort forgot about wanting to confess that he had read all the Harry Potter books and saw his movies because he had to uphold the bad guy image. He walked over to Harry. He had the utmost loathing is his eyes, hatred was boiling inside of the Dark Lord. Or it could have been that chicken burrito he ate earlier. Who knew?

"And now we duel," proclaimed Voldermort as he bought out something that Harry knew he could never beat the Dark Lord at.

Jump Rope.

"Noooooooooo! Couldn't we just inflict pain on each other with the wands!" said Harry pleadingly.

"No! I shall show you my skills…" said Voldermort as Avery and Nott started spinning the rope.

"Ice Cream Soda, January Punch! Tell me the name of your honey bunch!" sang all the death eaters. Harry just stared as the Dark Lord started break dancing while somehow jumping at the same time. Suddenly the rope started glowing and then a brilliant bright light erupted from the ends. For some reason, Harry's parents appeared.

"Mom! Dad!" he said.

"Son!" they both yelled.

"Harry, how are you? Do you still have that rash?" said Lily.

"Oh jeez" said Harry as he lowered his head in embarrassment. He heard a few of the death eaters giggle.

"Did you comb you hair today?" asked his dad concernedly.

"….."

"Did you change your underwear today?" asked his mother.

"Mom, your embarrassing me in front of the mass murderers," said Harry gesturing to the Dark Lord and the death eaters.

"By the way, how are you dear boys?" said Lily.

"Fine Mrs. Potter" they all chimed.

"….That's it I'm out of here!" said Harry as he threw his hands in the air and walked over to Cedric, grabbed him, the Tri-wizard cup and went back to Hogwarts.

"Master, he got away!" yelled Wormtail. The Dark Lord didn't care. He had now challenged the Potters' to the ultimate jump rope duel.

"S T U V W…you stopped on W! Wormtail is you honey bunch!" James teased his wife. Everyone cheered.

Right…I don't know what the hell is up with the ending, just memories of middle school days.

Everyone: Haha! You landed on B! Bill is your honey bunch!"

Me: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Anyway, short chapter, but it's all good…I hope…Review!


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